A mom wrote on FB: 

"...My daughter is the definition of Lazy when it comes to chores. ... Asking her to clean her room, pick up her laundry, or unload the dishes is like chopping her arm off. She goes into this “well I’m terrible, I’m stupid” rant which I have found I her way of getting out of any and everything under the sun. 
Bribery, doesn’t work. Taking things away, doesn’t work. Nada. I have used conscious discipline to get somewhere, and it backfired. Her room is awful. I have tried every chore chart known to Pinterest. Help!"

Most of the answers she got were about throwing away all of the child's things as a punishment for her bad behavior.

Having the kids I have, I decided to add my perspective on the issue...

So I wrote this comment:

Does she have problems with her executive functions in school as well? (The fact that normal behavior management techniques don't work is an indication of that.)

If so, I would not throw all her stuff away... Maybe take it out of her room to make it easier for her to maintain it, but not as a punishment. You would not punish her for not manage to pick up if she was disabled in any other way, you would work with her and teach her how to do it... right?!

The ranting and ugly words she uses about you or herself - it really is the same; if she is brave she calls herself stupid, if she is less brave she takes the easy way and calls you stupid... it could anyway be a defense, as she probably realizes she *should* be able to do what she cannot.

Yes to teach her, baby steps, how to do those simple things. And how to use her own willpower to make herself do those things she doesn't like to do. It will be hard work for both of you, but in the end, you will have a beautiful girl that knows how to manage herself. If you choose to just punish her into temporary compliance she will most likely only be more angry with you, and less inclined to be voluntarily helpful in the long run. As parents we have to have the long-time view in sight, what will your relationship be when she is 12 or 15 or 20? What will she be able to do when nobody threatens her into doing something she knows she should do, but doesn't like doing - like paying her bills or cleaning her own home.

No to punish her for what she has not been able to learn yet. You would not do that to a puppy, why should you do that to your own kid? Don't get me wrong, I would not accept ugly words or children that don't do their part of the housework, but punishment is not an effective way of teaching executive functions.

If you want to read something about executive functions I suggest Smart but Scattered by Dawson/Guare.

***

The mom answered that the child is a model student at school and on task in academics. So I think for her, it might not be an issue of executive functions, it still could, but much less likely than if she had had behavior problems at school as well as at home.

***

So I responded again in this way (as usual, I'm way too long-winded for FB...)

Great to hear! If she manages to stay on task in school it is a good sign she doesn't have too much problem with her executive functions. It also tells you have taught her well! 　 In that case, a heart to heart conversation about why she can't make herself being as good to you as to others might do the trick! (If you think she might start yelling at you instead of listening to and talking with you, it might help if you take her somewhere where she feels a little bit of social pressure to behave, like McDonald's or even just taking a walk outside where other people can hear her if she yells...)

To show other parents that might read this, what problems with executive functions may look like I'll tell a little bit about our family.

I have one of each kind at home. The older of them is now 16 and has severe problems with his executive skills. Any kind of punishments never did him any good. There just isn't a punishment in this world that can make him do what he doesn't "fell like" to do, and believe me, I tried a lot of punishment for a long time until I learned he actually has a disability...

The only thing that helped was working on our relationship until he started to want to obey me just because he felt safe with me and truly knew I love him and always want what is best for him.

To him, a messy room was just too overwhelming. It took him well beyond the age of eight before he could do any kind of picking up on his own, but we practiced one small step at a time over the years... Now he maintains his room just fine, without any prompting from my side and helps me with whatever other chores I ask him. He still can not take initiative to do his other household chores without prompting, but we're down to one simple reminder for him to get started.

His seven-year-old sister has no problem with executive functions, she is just a little more laid back and prefers to do another drawing or dress up-play instead of starting to pick up, and hopes I will forget about what I told her to do... 　 She responds very well to behavior management though and would do anything I ask for just to stay out of trouble... She is still young, and her compliance with rules might just be a girl thing (she's the only girl in a family of boys), but I think she will have just fine executive skills as she matures. She can regulate her emotions, she's flexible and can plan ahead in a way that her brother never could at that age.

For clarity I may add, that both of these kids are smart when it comes to school work, they would probably test to be in G/T-classes if they were not homeschooled. They are well-behaved among other adults and in church or sports, though the older one used to have some problem to control his temper. When he was younger he sometimes exploded at things like other kids being mean to animals or other children.

It is not unusual that smart kids are scattered, and for kids that have to work extra hard to keep up in school (not with the academics but with things like task initiation, attention, organization, impulse control, emotional regulation, and flexibility) there might not be mental energy left at the end of the day to use their willpower for one more thing when they come home...

These kids need "much more love than they deserve" and lots of intentional teaching on how-to-do even very simple things. What they don't need is punishment for not yet being able to do things most other kids their age easily learn to do without even being taught.

Punishment is only useful when someone *can* do something, as punishment doesn't teach neither skills nor self-control. Being punished only teaches me that someone else has control and power over me. It might motivate me to control myself if I already know how to do that. But if I can't control myself, punishment only teaches me that I am stupid and bad and not as good as others.

To believe yourself stupid is not a good position for learning new skills, so as parents and teachers, we like to keep our kids in the "I can learn new things if I practice"-corner of life, not in the "I'm useless and can never get anything right"-corner. In that case, learning math and learning how to tidy your own house is just the same... :)