Children do well if they can

"Children do well if they can." (Dr. Ross Greene) This is a way of thought that has been helpful in my house. We have had years of more or less chaos, but have since four or five years reached a much more peaceful way with each other, mom, dad and four kids 7-17 years old, the three oldest are boys.

The idea behind the saying is that no one likes to be scolded or to fail their loved ones. So when a child doesn't do what it was told to, or when he/she makes an emotional mess of him/herself or others, it is time to teach the skill that is lagging. The skill to be kind, the skill to unload the dishwasher, the skill to not mention every little thing you find offensive with your younger brother and on and on... Or, if it doesn't work to teach the skill: to simply lower the expectations in that area, by not putting them in that situation. (But, of course, keep teaching similar situations, we do expect them to learn those skills over time!)

Kids that usually have success with being good kids learn from punishment when they occasionally mess up. But kids that mostly fail usually learn very little from punishment after punishment after punishment. For those of my kids that used to fail all the time, I've found it much more fruitful to use Charlotte Mason's idea about making sure the crime is never done by distracting the child who is about to commit said crime. ("Please, go get the milk in the fridge for me!", "Please, go and check the mail!")

One recent and very practical example: We had a reoccurring fuss between my 17 yo and 16 yo. every breakfast, both wanting to place their feet at the same place. Telling them to stop didn't work, teaching them where to put their feet didn't work either - they're almost adults, they know how to sit! But they didn't have mental power (or Executive Functions) enough at 8 o'clock a.m. to will themselves to do what was right to each other. So to break the bad habit that was developing, I simply announced that we all would switch places at the breakfast table. They now sit next to me, and if they would like to kick each other, it would be me they're kicking. I don't think I need to say that kicking stopped immediately.