Dagboksanteckning under Corona 2020-04-08

Jag bor sedan tio år i Central Texas. Vi har suttit i karantän sedan sportlovet slutade i början av mars. Det finns viss, begränsad smittspridning i samhället enligt myndigheterna, men i vår county/stad (stor som Uppsala kommun ungefär) har bara en person dött, åtta vårdas på sjukhus varav fyra får intensivvård.

Många, många har förlorat jobben och antaligen sina bostäder också fast inga avhysningar kommer att ske förrän i juli, säger man. Folk här har i allmänhet inga ekonomiska marginaler (undantaget ett mindre antal riktigt rika förstås). De stödpengar man talat om räcker till mat för en tvåbarnsfamilj i ungefär tre månader, om man snålar riktigt ordentligt.

Att handla mat har blivit ett helt företag. Affärerna håller koll på hur många kunder som släpps in i taget. De flesta varor är begränsade till två/kund oavsett hur stor familjen är. Så en större familj måste handla ofta. Toalettpapper går inte att uppbringa annat än i jättestora rullar i 12-packlådor, typ. Min man och jag har varit inne i affären var sin gång, i övrigt beställer vi online, kör till butiken och får kassarna inlastade i bakluckan med minimal kontakt med personalen.

Just nu gäller "lock down" för alla sorters skolor och dagis till och med 21 april, men ingen tror egentligen att skolorna kommer att öppna mer det här läsåret, möjligen till skolavslutningen för dem som tar studenten. Föräldrar som arbetar hemifrån får lov att hjälpa till med de skoluppgifter som heroiska lärare skickar ut varje morgon. De barn vars föräldrar fortfarande jobbar utanför hemmet får klara sig själva, eller vara med mor-/farföräldrar.

I vår normalt sett välbeställda bekantskapskrets har isoleringen triggat en tonåring till självmordsförsök, hitintills... Vår egen familj har inte träffat några bekanta på över fyra veckor. Just nu är vi extra glada över att vi inte har bara ett barn. Våra barn kan ju leka med varandra.

Frågan är hur länge civilsamhället överhuvudtaget kan fortsätta att fungera när en stor del vuxna inte kan jobba och tjäna pengar. Och vad händer sedan, när politikerna inser att det inte går att hålla folk instängda längre. Det kommer att fattas oerhört många arbetstillfällen, och dessutom kommer nästan ingen att vara immun mot Covid-19, så risken är stor att sjukhusen kommer att bli överfulla två veckor efter att karantänen upphävs. Visst är det bra att vi undsluppit massor av sjukdom och död, men det känns som om vi sitter i karantän för att de är sjuka i New York, fyra flygtimmar bort.

Do I Live in Holland, Italy, or Beirut?

With a high-functioning kid, I guess I ended up in "Holland." The problem was (is) most people, including pediatricians and educators, for a long while insisted I actually was in "Italy" (even though I tried to tell them that as far as I know, "fields of tulips" are not typically Italian!!). They refused to give me even a tourist map of Haag or a Dutch dictionary. Insisting that if I spoke nothing but Italian with my child, told him everything about Roman mythology, and read Cicero and Plutarch for bedtime stories (gold stars, time outs, and even some very harsh - not to be mentioned - methods ☹️) he would eventually become a true Italian... 
I love my "Dutch" son, but the years when I gave in to my fears and tried to turn him into an "Italian" truly are the worst years of my life, not because of who he was/is, but because of my fears and others' expectations.

He is now very well versed in all things "Italian," to the point that most people outside his immediate family think he is "Italian." Still, deep down, he is and will always be a true "Dutch." He has to learn to advocate for himself for a disability that very few outside of his family ever see any traces of - until the moment when he has been treated as an Italian for too long and simply has a meltdown...



I hear you, the Netherlands is an awesome country, and for many parents, ASD-country is anything but awesome.
But my HF/ASD son is an awesome kid. In fact, the vast majority of the adjectives you used to describe the country also describe my son. Nevertheless, he is not "Italian" (neurotypical, NT), and treating him like an NT - not adjusting for his very specific sensory needs, etc. - is exhausting to him in the long run, just as most (real) Dutch people probably would feel a little exhausted being expected to behave like (real) Italian people all day long. (Whatever it is to be Dutch or Italian for real; like all analogies, this one is not perfect.) And if an analogy helps other people see my son for who he is, and maybe cut him some slack when he, for example, insists on wearing the same jeans & hooded jacket regardless of the weather - we live in a very hot climate - then life would be so much easier for him, and so much less anxious for me as a mom when he takes his first steps into adulthood.
:)

For our family and me, it (now) is a "Welcome to Holland" experience. I totally realize and am very humble about the fact that for many parents, "Welcome to Beirut" is a way more accurate analogy. And if I would have been writing this some eight or ten years ago, I would have totally described my situation as more like a war zone than a tulip field... 
I can see *now* that what I thought were mine fields in my kid's brain, things that I thought would damage his possibilities of being accepted in society, and eventually even hinder his independent living as an adult, all those things he did that I was so ashamed of, and all the fighting I felt I had to do, both with him and for him, all those "mines," in reality, were tulip bulbs developing...

And by grace, I didn't have time nor energy at the time to let the minesweepers destroy all the bulbs before I realized their true nature. Some bulbs survived, and now they are starting to blossom as my kid matures, despite all my shortcomings and mistakes. This, too, by grace.



I realize, I unintentionally imply that not all ASD-kids are awesome, that is NOT what I want to say!
Holland is a great country, just like my kid is a great kid. All kids, ASD and NT, are, in fact, great kids. But for some families, the environment in which you have to live with your kids is anything but great. Many ASD-parents live in a hostile environment, which makes it hard to fully appreciate all of the awesomeness of your own child. Not sleeping well for months at a time, for example, can make any environment feel like an apocalyptic desert... and you might even mistake your own beautiful "tulip"- child for a "prickly cactus."

And even if your child *is behind* due to developmental delays or disabilities; because of death or disease in your family; or perhaps your home was flooded by a hurricane or burnt in a wildfire...

Even then, if you faithfully did your very best to present to your kids the riches of a CM education and gathered them at the kitchen table to do their math and sat down on the couch to read the books... however little it seemed that you could manage at the moment...

If you did that faithfully, with the measure of grace that God gave for each day, your kids would have had a rich education preparing them not only for the workforce but for life. And in the end, when it really matters, you will hear the words: Well done!

On 12-year-olds with or without self-discipline

"Help, my tween has started to refuse to do his schoolwork. He does sloppy work, and sometimes he's lying about being done..."

One more too-long comment on a FB post...
⁠
I have a 13yob. He is as far from disobedient as a kid ever could be. He's intelligent, kind, and very, very self-disciplined. He just tested for his 2nd-degree black belt in Taekwondo and spends about 30 hours each week in the dojo helping to teach less-advanced students (both kids and adults). Still, he is always doing his schoolwork on time. He is an awesome kid. BUT he has two older brothers... ...and let's just say, I know pretty well what you're going through... Though now, at 18 and 19, they're starting to get their acts together. So, I still have good hope for them...
⁠
Anyway, last year this then 12-year-old boy really wanted to do his math with excellence. He could solve any problem in his book if he only had to do one at a time, but he could not get the ten right in a row that the curriculum required for a passing grade. Even when he sat next to me trying, trying, trying, he ended up with two or three wrong. His brain just couldn't do ten problems in a row! If he took a break after a few problems to jump on the trampoline for ten minutes, then he could focus again and get another two or three right. For most of the school year, math was a mess. His spelling was also outrageous. No matter what spelling rules he tried to learn, he just couldn't remember any of them.
⁠
School started to get easier again a couple of months after he turned 13, but instead, he began to crave social interactions. He could do anything just to be with friends, in real life, or online; it didn't matter. He just had to have someone to interact with. Now we are another couple of months down the lane. He has had a lot of activities during the summer break, so it's a bit better; he doesn't feel as alone as he did in May. And it is easier for him to let go of his gaming friends when I remind him of bedtime.
⁠
Six or seven years ago, his brothers were this age. Their problems include things like ASD and ADD, both of them intelligent but lacking in self-control and emotional regulation... Let me tell you, life as a homeschool mom was a mess. The chargers and keyboards to their computers were locked into a cupboard until they showed me proof of being done with their school work. They had to narrate each book they read, show me everything they wrote, every math problem they solved before I took out the key and let them have those chargers and keyboards. And they both had at least an hour of P.E on the schedule, e.v.e.r.y. d.a.y!
⁠
Looking back, I can see all three boys struggled with the same issues at the same age, but this third kid pulled the longest straw in the genetic lottery of our family, so he's had a very easy ride compared to his older brothers. It seems to be hard to be a 12-year-old boy. I don't remember much from those years; maybe it is hard to be a 12-year-old girl as well? I don't know. But I know my boys have needed all the love and grace and mercy I could find within myself, and then some!
⁠
Love him, cuddle him - if he allows you to, use very few words, lots of sleep, lots of real food, lots of exercise, and fresh air. Always make sure he's not afraid to tell you the truth. A truthful no is a hundred times better than a deceitful yes! Tell him almost anything goes, even sweeping streets for a living, but not being dishonest because a dishonest man is a disgrace to himself.
⁠
Schoolwork will eventually have to be done if he wants his high school transcript; we simply added a year of school for our two oldest to compensate for the work they didn't do during those hard middle school years...
⁠
Driving is only possible with gas in the car, and gas costs money, and money comes from working.
My 19 yo figured out that equation all by himself when he found a girlfriend...
⁠
Children's author Astrid Lindgren said: Give the kids plenty of love and then some more love, and common sense will grow by itself.
⁠
Love him, but don't bend yourself over to suit him. Reassure him often that you have good hope for him; his brain will eventually mature, and if he keeps practicing, he will be more and more able to focus and get his work done. If he used to be a "good student," he might even be scared about what is happening to him... Tell him his brain is rebuilding itself for adult life; he will be ok. But right now, he doesn't have much executive functioning capacity.